A Dirty Data Lesson From the Anus

Today, I’m flashing you a data lesson I learned from the eighth wonder of the world:

The Anus

Last week, I bought the book The Best American Science and Nature Writing 2022. Why? Because the first article has the most captivating title I’ve seen in a while:

The Body’s Most Embarrassing Organ Is an Evolutionary Marvel.

Evolutionary Marvel? Eh, kinda cool. But Body’s Most Embarrassing Organ? Oh, I’m all in now. Take my money. I’m reading this.

From the get-go, Kathrine J. Wu captivated me with the following hook:

"To peer into the soul of a sea cucumber, don’t look to its face; it doesn’t have one. Gently turn that blobby body around and gaze deep into its marvelous, multifunctional anus."

Damn! Talk about powerful.

Usually…

Anuses are a taboo topic.

Especially for my fellow Americans. It’s one of those things we don’t talk about -- like our incomes. But the anus is an evolutionary marvel! It’s science, so I’m not afraid to rub my hands in it -- err, I mean… talk about it.

Humans evolved from some fascinating creatures. And in case you didn’t know, at one point in time, our distant, distant, distant relatives didn’t have mouths and anuses. They had one hole to do both jobs (talk about efficiency).

So, we evolved from a species that didn’t have an anus. Cool.

Butt… that prompts the question:

Where did anuses come from?

Well, that’s where science becomes flimsy. The anus isn’t a hard, rigid bone. It’s a soft… squishy… and bone-free hole chilling at our bottoms. That means we can’t dig up fossils from our early ancestors to deduce the anus’s origins. Science is not on our side here. That’s what makes the human anus such an evolutionary marvel.

Where our anuses come from is one of those questions we can infer an answer to, but we may never know the truth.

I don't know about you, but that mystery fascinates me.

Anyway…

If you think the human anus is full of surprises, wait till you hear about:

The sea cucumber’s anus.

It’s not just an exit hole for digestive waste.

It’s a mouth for guzzling down algae. It’s a lung for breathing underwater. It’s a weapon with Spider-Man-like-web-shooting abilities.

And most interesting of all…

It’s a temporary home for pearlfish, who “wiggle inside the bum when [the sea cucumber] billows open to breathe.”

Fish sometimes live in the sea cucumber's butt.

How’s that for evolutionary marvel?

It’s crazy to think that one day, a scientist woke up and thought, “Hmmm… I wonder if there’s anything interesting about the sea cucumber’s anus. You know what, I’ve got time. So I'll take a look.”

And another scientist once woke up, emptied his bowels in the morning then thought, "Hmmm... I wonder why WE have anuses. Maybe I'll look into it."

Scientists are interesting creatures themselves.

All this talk about anuses is probably making you wonder how in the world it relates to data. What valuable lesson can possibly excrete from this post?

Here’s where data comes into play.

Last week, while doing my thing as a data analyst, I worked with my team to fix an issue with a report we built. Even though we “fixed” the issue, our solution didn’t sit well with me…

I knew something bigger lurked beneath the surface.

So, I went out of my way to explore the data in our database to search for the underlying trouble. And… Voila! After a few minutes, I saw a wrinkly opening in the data and channeled my inner pearlfish to dive into that hole and call it home.

Using my SQL superpowers, I found an issue with how we loaded data into one of our tables. My curiosity for exploring the dirty, taboo parts of the database helped me uncover a major problem and make an important discovery.

I did a good job and have anuses to thank.

Okay, time for…

The data lesson from the anus.

Most people are afraid to talk about anuses. Whether human, sea cucumber, or any other kind you can imagine. You probably get chills hearing the word, no? This is such a taboo topic, and writing about it is absolutely crazy! I’ll acknowledge it.

But don’t forget that scientists exist.

They don’t think, “Ewww, the anus. Look away! Look away!”

No, no, no…

They embrace the awkwardness. Their weird, dorky minds ask questions and ponder about the secrets our anuses hide. Deep down, they know some fascinating secret lives in our anuses -- one that isn't a pearlfish -- and they’re the few willing to investigate it.

Scientists are curious. They're not afraid to learn about the taboo topics the rest of humanity fears.

They're not afraid to find the stories the rest of humanity could care less about.

The same thing happens in the dorky world of data...

Most data analysts want to spend their time doing the "fun" stuff -- building dashboards and working with Python. Not many want to sift through messy data to uncover problems no one else has found before.

No one forced me to continue exploring the data for a problem. I did it on my own because I approach everything with a scientist-like mentality -- be curious.

So...

If you want to become a better data analyst, think about data the way scientists think about the anus.

‍Question where it evolves from.
Question where it comes from.
Question the marvelous powers it has.

Be curious like a scientist and explore your data when others don't want to.

Don’t be afraid to be a pearlfish and dive into your data’s crevices when you see an opening. There are some magical things you can find when you take the time to explore your data at a more atomic level.

Some of your searches will lead to dead ends like the human anus’s true origin. That’s natural. But having a curiosity-first mentality will help you find/solve more data problems in the long run. You'll become the guy that finds the deepest, darkest data issues your databases have.

You'll stand out once you take initiative and question the data more.

That’ll impress your boss.

However, it may be best not to say, “Don’t thank me, boss. Thank the anus for inspiring me.” Ummm, that's something we’ll keep between you and me.

One final thought on the anus (aka the eighth wonder of the world)

After reading this post, I hope you never forget that you should be as curious about data as scientists are about the anus. (I know I’ll never forget writing this wild post)

But all this talk on data lessons makes me put on my scientist cap and wonder…

If I can find a relationship between the human anus and dirty data, surely I can connect data to anything in the world. ANYTHING.

So, the real question is…

What craziness will I share next here?

Surely it can’t top the human anus… Or can it?